Posts filed under: Funny

Stories of ridiculous excess are nothing new – perhaps they are even OK if you can afford them. This story from News Australia really takes the Micheal.

A MILLIONAIRE in northern China paid four million yuan ($A695,330) for a dog and ordered 30 luxury cars to come to the airport to greet her and the animal, local media reports. The woman and her new pet – a black Tibetan mastiff – flew into Xi’an, the capital of Shaanxi province, A convoy of 30 black Mercedes-Benz cars, led by two sports utility vehicles, drove to the airport on Wednesday to pick up the pair, who had arrived from the Tibetan-populated province of Qinghai in China’s northwest. Photos of the event posted with the report showed a committee of dog-lovers holding up a long red banner welcoming the mastiff to Xi’an.

One Expensive Dog

One Expensive Dog

Now I’m wondering whether the car hire firm had to lend their whole fleet to cope with this woman’s demand?

A slightly touching point made at the bottom of the article reads like this…

Research by the Hurun Report, a magazine that tracks China’s wealthiest, revealed in April that 825,000 people had personal wealth of over 10 million yuan ($1.74 million), or 0.06 per cent of the population.

The vast majority of these millionaires have said the global financial crisis has not had any impact on their lifestyle, the research said.

Nice life if you can get it…?

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Some people are sure there are large perks to being at University – some think its an absolute waste of time and money.

Take for example successful under 2 years graduates from Northway in the United States, they graduate and get $1000 of a car of there choice, not a bad deal for you or your savings

Lucky things

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Recent frustrations in my life right now.

Last Month I found information that France is posing a new car sharing scheme, in Paris specifically. What is frustrating me is that despite how brilliant this scheme is there seems to be little in the last month in terms of real progress, as I can see, the net generally is buzzing with ideas, some slightly pointless and others great, in an effort to bring the scheme forward. As of today there seems to be little interested on the net about this great Global Warming beating campaign – A shame of course but what can we do!? Surely the Car Hire and Van Rental need some form of positive change?

Secondly my frustration at my crap bank, which will happily charge me £28 pounds when I am 22 pence overdrawn – I know its within the rules but surely its kinda unfair.

Thirdly – I’m horrified that the walking mess that is Katie Price is allowed to wander around – surely now its not safe for this appalling human being to be able walk down the street after her being punched around by some gypsy ‘fighters’ Its frustrating that this woman even exists – but I could feel a pang of fairly placed hatred for the chaps who hit her.

Lastly I’m annoyed about Usain Bolt – I want to be able to run at the very least, usually whilst stood at the hundred metre mark – the last being whilst at high school, im a very distinct mixture of petrified and unable to complete – Once I did the 400 metres after necking a load of Pro Plus and listening to Heavy Metal – A Come Second Combination, I also ran the last 100 metres topless ha… So yeah, Usain Bolt this is an open cry to you – PLEASE SLOW DOWN AND MAKE US FEEL BETTER!

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This month It has become aware to me that actual things are a lot more fun when they are free. The monetary savings to be made for just say spending an hour looking around for the best deal. Take for instance this.

Currently one of my Favourite bands Kasms are playing a show at my local ‘Rawk’ venue, quite exciting, I hear you say…

Kasms By Tom Oakley

Kasms By Tom Oakley

Now to prove how actually by not spending any money you can go to these kinda cool events which luckily wont attract the average Shoreditch poser. After seeing the gig advertised in the criminally underrated Artrocker magazine – The New Blood Converse Tour I decided to put in my email address to get two tickets – I then later that day got an email back to say I just needed to go into my local Schuh shop to get the tickets… To entice even more into watching the band they where even giving away a free 5 mega pixel camera for the first 50. After queuing behind a small child who wanted a pair of Fred Perry shoes (Overpriced!) I made it to the counter and found that perhaps I was the saddest person in my local city, who had stood in the rain to get tickets to see a band at 9am . So I got the tickets and asked for my camera, and then was given this !

Converse Box

Converse Box

The anticipation grows!

Shiny in Black

Shiny in Black

And then to make me feel great they gave me a free 2 GB memory card ‘ perfect for perfecting my rock photography/annoying Facebook photos’

Shame its not a Converse Memory Card!

Shame its not a Converse Memory Card!

Thank you Converse – Its a really pity that your shoes however have gone up tremendously in price since I was a kid…

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Mark Butler was pretty love-sick that’s for sure. He wanted his future wife Tonya (and the world) to know how much he adored her, and yes he did succeed.

After agreeing with his Partner that they wanted to use a luxury car rental(prestige car), the 27 year old from Basingstoke decided to make his own amendments to the wedding day transport.

Now I’m unsure whether this is the sweetest or tackiest gesture in the world, but either way it made her seemingly happy. Here’s the deal, the ‘smitten’ train driver decided to plaster ‘Tonya & Mark Just Married 23rd July 2009’ sign-written along the side. (See Photo Below!). Then this is the part which I really find tacky – he then proceeded to have the ‘happy couples’ faces emblazoned along the side of the VW Passat.

The stunt was kept a secret from the other half with only the wedding day photographer and best man in on the gag. After the ceremony held in Basingstoke Registry Office, Mark then presented the ‘gift’ to his recently married wife for photos to be taken in a local War Memorial park, which seems to be a fairly strange place to have photos taken.

Nice or Tacky

Nice or Tacky

Luckily for him the hard work paid off, the new Mrs. Butler was thrilled by the thoughtful token…

I didn’t know anything about it and I was shocked because I couldn’t imagine where the idea came from. I think it just shows how much he loves me, especially with the amount of thought and planning that went into it.

Apparently the car has been getting a lot of attention and beeping from fellow motorists

Tonya’s final words :

…It’s been fantastic.

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This is the best news I have heard all year – Bob Dylan to be the voice of a Sat-Nav company. Car giants are frantically bidding to sign him up as the voice of their Sat-Nav systems.

Please Take a Left - Bob Dylan

Please Take a Left - Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan a global superstar who has sold 70 million records worldwide during a fairly long 45 year has revealed on his BBC6 Radio Show that several car manufacturers have contacted him in regards to voicing their Sat-Nav he said on his Sunday night show.

Dylan was quoted in saying…

I am talking to a couple of car companies about being the voice of their GPS system. I think it would be good if you are looking for directions and hear my voice saying something like: ‘Left at the next street, no a right – you know what? Just go straight’. I probably shouldn’t do it because which ever way I go I always end up at one place Lonely Avenue

Typical Dylan.

Now its worth remembering that generally car hire and van rental will generally include a Sat-Nav when you rent a vehicle. This means that you could be almost there with Bob when on your journey.

The Telegraph has selected a fairly witty playlist to accompany these (hopefully) soon to arrive Sat-Nav’s.

“Down the Highway”
“On the road again”
“Gotta Travel On”
“Lonely Avenue”
“Dirt Road Blues”
“You Wanna Ramble”
“Million Miles”
“Beyond the Horizon”
“Going to Acapulco”
“Too hot to drive”
“You ain’t goin’ nowhere”

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Recently I have been considering what it would be like should I have a real emergency at the house I live at. Luckily I am not the homeowner, that responsibility lies with a poor chap called Kevin…

Let me tell you about the catalog of problems which he faces when we move out later this year.

1. A massive hole in ceiling – caused in part to a badly tiled bathroom which has leaked every shower in the last 2 years onto a poor plaster board wall the result? A wobbly wall… And as I found this Saturday morning a partly collapsed ceiling in the kitchen (directly below the bathroom) Resulting in me having to bring the old man over to clean it up ha.

This hole has since enlarged slightly and various bits of pipe have fallen out and a tile nearly hit me on the head.

2. A hole in the outer wall. About 3 months ago the boiler exploded sending water flying across the poor (starting to feel sorry for it yet?) Kitchen. This happened at about 10pm and I hastily called the emergency landlord contact number and in due respect sent someone immediately. About ten minutes later a huge burly man knocked on the door, I opened it and he proceeded to dash past me uttering expletives about a boiler. After literally ripping the thing off the wall he then turned the water off at the outside stop cock. The next day a group of lads knocked on the door and refitted a new boiler and its been great… apart from the hole in the outside wall that they left and haven’t filled in yet…

3. The sink in the KITCHEN started leaking and it meant that every time we needed a pan it was soaked and smelt funny – really annoying. We called the landlord who eventually sent round a smelly man who then fixed it – but somehow since we have been attacked by mice and there is mouse poo everywhere.

We are leaving soon Thank the Lord. Now the real moral to this story is that yes its the landlords responsibility. Now should I have a first time buyer mortgage, with no or little savings, I surely would be up the creek…?

A great article can be found here with some great tips to save money 🙂

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The disaster that struck New Orleans in 2005 namely “Hurricane Katrina” reeked huge amounts of damage to the people and their houses. The Hurricane was recorded as one of the top 5 deadliest Hurricanes to hit the United States in its History.

Hurricane Katrina Havoc

Hurricane Katrina Havoc

The Damage was immense, mostly caused by flooding caused by 53 different levee breaches, which helped to submerge 80% of the City of New Orleans. To sum the level of destruction up…

From Wikipedia

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff described the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina as “probably the worst catastrophe, or set of catastrophes,” in the country’s history, referring to the hurricane itself plus the flooding of New Orleans.

Now whether climate change or global warming is to blame for the rise of these super hurricanes and the increase of natural disasters is something which could be argued till kingdom come, so we are not going to go there!

Recently It has come to my attention that Brad Pitt has been seriously taking an interest in helping New Orleans especially come back from this tragedy. Pitt has been sponsoring an Eco-friendly housing project in New Orleans’ Lower 9th Ward – A neighbourhood already stricken by poverty and nearly wiped out by Hurricane Katrina and the destruction which ensued. At the forefront of this project is the Make It Right Foundation that builds affordable and importantly flood proof houses. An Image was sourced from Today MSNBC

New Style New Orleans House

New Style New Orleans House

For some Excellent Videos of Brad Pitt talking about rebuilding New Orleans click here for Part 1 and here for Part 2

The ensuing largely UK publicity behind Pitt’s cause led to some excellent t shirt being designed and calls for Mr. Pitt to be elected to New Orleans’ Mayor. The Shirt is below.

Brad Pitt For Mayor

Brad Pitt For Mayor

The Movement is predominately grassroots and is gaining appeal everyday – could he be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger and become another celebrity who is doing a good job in office? It remains a mystery whether Pitts appeal will actually turn into electoral votes – but part of me hopes it happens?

I recommend people visit the Make It Right Foundation and check out what the guys other there do, its interesting stuff and lets hope it truly makes a difference.

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Everyone is aware of the perils of growing old disgracefully, a strange sense of fashion, a urine mixed with soap kinda smell and an obsession with saying things your children will never forget and will forever be haunted by. Age however is something that none of us will be able to escape, but who hasn’t indulged in at some point in some small fortune of age turn-a-round investments.

Vivienne Westwood in the picture below should have a long hard chat to herself (who doubts at her age 67, that people don’t have friends ‘which don’t exist…), and decided not to ever leave her house again looking like a cross between a slightly slow old lady and a pre-war granny.

There are however some ways of genuinely making yourself look a feel better about the aging process without having to resort to slightly over the top surgery.

“Hippie” I hear you cry!

But yes, natural ways are always the best.

MySavings have provided a great 4 tip guide which is easy to follow as to how to stay and feel young.

Tip #1: Laugh

Laughter is so good for us, and yet most of us don’t do it often enough.  Laughing loudly and often has been scientifically shown to reduce stress.  And we all know that stress can take years off of our lives.  Plus, it just feels good to laugh!  So if you want to stay young, find the funny in everything.

Tip #2: Cover Up Your Gray

If your gray hair is dragging you down, then cover it up!  Men especially find their gray hair to be discouraging, so check out Just For Men’s Touch of Grayhair treatment.  Touch of Gray is unique because it’s not a blob of new color.  It allows you to keep some gray, and works very gradually.  This means that unlike other brands, your friends and family won’t know you’re changing your hair.  And for a lot of men, this is a major benefit.  Touch of Gray comes in five shades, and because it uses a simple comb to apply the color there is no mess like other brands.

Tip #3: Eat Healthy

We know, you’re probably rolling your eyes at this one.  How many times have you heard how important it is to eat right and get all the nutrients you need?

Probably dozens, if not more.  But, we’ve got to drive the message home: eating right is vital if you want to look young and healthy!

If you think your diet is a little on the narrow side (meaning, you rarely work in fruit and vegetables) then try taking supplements. Nature Made has a wonderful line of liquid softgel vitamins ranging from Calcium, Super-B Complex, D, C, and two different multi-vitamins.  Taking Nature Made supplements everyday can boost your energy, bolster your immune system, and make sure your body gets everything it needs to function the way it’s meant to.  And, if you’re worried about wrinkles, start increasing your Vitamin C.  Nature Made’s Vitamin C caplets can help hold your skin’s connective tissues together, as well as giving you tons of other benefits.

Tip #4: Get Enough Sleep

Some people might find this one a bit difficult, especially if kids are in the picture.  But, there’s a good reason why people call it “Beauty Sleep”.  Sleeping really does help us look and feel younger.

If you’re currently having trouble sleeping, then you might want to check out Perfect Sleep.  Perfect Sleep uses a non-addictive formula that allows you to only take it when you need it.  Perfect Sleep is available over the counter, and uses natural ingredients like calcium and magnesium to help your body relax.  Perfect Sleep also uses natural herbs such as valerian, passion flower, and chamomile to help you drift off to sleep.

It also uses L-theanine, which is an amino acid found in green tea, to help relax and calm your mind.  So, if you’re the type that lies in bed for hours with a million thoughts running through your head, Perfect Sleep is perfect for you.

Although none of us can avoid the steady march of time, we don’t have to let it march all over our bodies.  By taking steps to stay healthy both mentally and physically, we’ll feel much younger than the date showing on our driver’s license.

Unfortunately Millions of people each year turn to more drastic options such as plastic surgery, which sometimes goes hideously wrong such as in this case… Poor Woman

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OK, so we have all – well only if you are male, have owned at some point in our lives. Mine I’m happy to say was in a pre-pubescent era of my life which I am proud to say has been forgotten, and even in writing this article brings back chills to my skin.

Can you guess what im talking about yet? Yes, im talking about the omnipresent(especially in European Countries) Speedo variety of male swimwear. Which today whilst browsing the gloriously righty front page of the Daily Mail are to be banned by family favourite day out Alton Towers.

The resort is banning the ‘humble Speedo’ on the grounds that it is ‘ inappropriate in a family resort’, according to the Daily Mail the resort is..

…so dedicated to maintaining a family atmosphere and not scaring the kids that it’s even considering offering complimentary male waxing to prevent unsightly hair from being on display.

Which does seem fairly unfair on especially the gorilla types of the male species, if not extremely unfair on the well endowed, recently divorced male who is seeking to impress the also recently divorced female who has decided to bring the children to a day out at Alton Towers.

To add to the insanity and ridiculous amount of Political Correctness which has quite clearly gone horribly wrong. Alton Towers Sales and Marketing Director, Morwenna Angove released this excellent statement.

Our Waterpark team observed an increase in the number of men wearing tighter trunk style swimwear whilst enjoying the tropical temperatures at the Alton Towers Resort Waterpark. We feel this small brief style is not appropriate for a family venue so we are advising male bathers to wear more protective swimwear such as shorts.
We are also looking into offering complimentary male waxing, which will ensure we preserve the dignity of all our guests

Complimentary Male Waxing!!! To preserve the dignity of all our guests! – So Morwenna you are to ‘preserve the dignity or guests’ by kinda enforcing a believe that should some one have an amount of body hair they are a freak and should not be allowed to bathe in your swimming pools? Seems slightly Apartheid to me?!

People should be allowed to dress in a way they see fit, and allowed to grow hair in any place they choose (I know some of these blokes have no choice), it seems Morwenna Angrove’s decisions is most likely fuelled by a desire to do something ‘controversial’ rather then something that actually benefits the company.

Shame on you Alton Towers…

Long live the Speedo… And Peoples ability to choose what they wear!

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